Joint Projects

Before children, before unplugging cable tv, in what seems like a totally different world - there lived my wife and I.

And it was a time of great struggle.

Infatuation and the like had proven too weak an adhesive to hold our marriage together ... and it was a time of struggle.

We did not do things together very well. So we did not do things together very much.

Joint projects could fizzle into bitter silence in a very short time. I felt that I could be quite cooperative and teachable if I was asked - never told! My wife often forgot to put her demands in the form of a request. My defense to being "told what to do" was to use harsh sarcasm; a rapier wit is not healthy for a tense relationship.

So our joint projects often degenerated into a single project.

I remember stubbornly setting out some sort of shrubs in our front yard one Saturday - in the middle of a downpour because I was too stubborn to abandon the "joint-project" that had now become a single-project. I stayed on the job in spite of her.

But God had a plan for us. He had a better path for us to find, and in that time of great struggle we were not so very far from it. Our misery forced us to set about looking for solutions and I am so thankful that both of us still had a seed of love for one another and I am so glad that we went to God for help.

People prayed for us - I know because sometimes guys would stop me and say "I've had you on my heart" (that means "I'm praying for you, man"); some couples with hearts bent toward struggling people like us, took us under their wings and taught us; we read books.

Pointed in the right direction, and guarded with the proper support - we struggled still ... but we began to struggle together; not against one another.

We rode a roller coaster for about a year, sometimes we were really reaching some cool heights; then the bottom would fall out and disaster seemed imminent.

And then God brought us out. He literally changed us.

Being a guy, I needed some sort of track or formula. If I had steps to follow, I could be a more effective husband. So I read a book entitled "Love Life For Every Married Couple" by Ed Wheat. In it he recommended treating your wife BEST ... that is Blessing my wife daily; Edifying - or building her up; Sharing thoughts, joint projects, plans; and Touching often.

The Sharing part of that formula, that's what I am thinking of these days. Shortly after coming through such a dark time, this former team of two individuals became a "one-flesh" team of one synergistic power pack! We began to take on projects together.

Our first project (besides the retooling of our marriage) was to build a retaining wall in our back yard. During that time, I joked to one of my co-workers that I had to hurry home - my wife and I were building walls in our marriage! She quipped "aren't you supposed to be tearing those down?". Well we were tearing down some walls. And we could really see a difference in the things we could accomplish working together.

We completed the wall successfully - together. And we have taken on a multitude of joint-projects since then.

Together we decided to give life a try without cable television, partly because we were aggravated with the rising cost of cable and the diminishing returns of entertainment; and partly because it just seemed that it might be the right thing for us to do. We decided that if we just couldn't take it - we would try a satellite dish.

Now over ten years later, we still don't have cable television and we don't have a satellite dish - but we do have two children (there may be a correlation).

But most of our joint projects tend to be like that retaining wall. They are outside, some landscaping project or small building task. My wife brings tenacity, a strong sense of order, and that "measure twice/cut once-mentality" (like her Dad) to every project; I tend to bring some creativity, some stubbornness of my own, and comedy relief. But together we can work like a well-oiled machine!

With the draught in our area last year, our yard sort of went to pot. We had little drive to jump into any joint projects; but this year the race is on. And I would rather have no one else on my team than her.

Now before I leave you with the impression that all is rosy in our household - let me say that we still struggle. We do not do everything right; sometimes we do not do anything right. We struggle to communicate - and sometimes do not even try.

But God is gracious, and He is merciful. And when we dream a little project together and then get all sweaty and dirty working on it alongside each other, we get an idea of what living as one before Him is really like.

Not too long ago, we rode past the house we used to live in. Out front stands those shrubs that I set out in the rain, alone; a testament to length my stubbornness can go. And in back of the house, there still stands a neat little retaining wall - a testament to love under God's care.

I am so glad to be on this team!